The tricky grounds of faith.

So an FIR has been lodged against one Mr. JJ, the reformed musician turned evangelist/Kurta seller, of recent blasphemic and previously misogynist/tableeghi fame. Even though, Junaid bhai has never failed to disgust me since his reformation, much has been said in the past few days about his self righteously misogynist antics, but i would never wish him, or anybody for that matter, to be booked, or even charged, under the infamous article 295 of the constitution of the Islamic Republic of Pakistan. May God help him out of this dilemma. But the case in point is that this blasphemy of sorts by JJ has given rise to a very complicated situation. I mean before this it was simple, you don’t like someone’s face--no problem--scream blasphemy--problem solved, as in the problem is either already dead or will be dead, it’s only a matter of time. If an infidel girl doesn't let you take advantage of her well that sure amounts to blasphemy, death to her. If a heathen drinks in your cup, blasphemy it is, oh the Governor has come to her rescue, death to him too. Your professor asks you to critically think about your beliefs before you preach them, how dareth he preach such nuisance and this lawyer of his had some nerve to come to his defense, no worries he's been taken care of now. Some lowlife Christians aren't vacating a piece of land you need for a new industry; ah! I always knew these Christians were against the progress of my country, if that's not blasphemy what is. Your age old slaves want to leave your establishment in search of a better future; come on they are slaves, just burn them at the stake for God's sake. (Do we even need a stake?)You see before JJ fatefully committed the said blasphemy, it was just a simple case of genocide of the infidels and their supporters at the hands of the God fearing, Kaafir bashing Muslims. But this event has pretty much turned it into a war of sects which in itself is an ugly phenomenon, but what's important is that the situation has changed for the better. The good thing is that all of a sudden, for an evident reason, it has dawned upon the foremost proponents of the strictest implementation of the blasphemy law that there is a margin for concession in such cases. People have actually presented research supporting the fact that the blasphemy law is actually a misconstrued interpretation of Hanafi jurisprudence by a fifteenth century scholar Al Bazzazi. A different kind of debate has finally started, too little too late for the hundreds extra judicially killed by faith charged mobs. But still it might just be enough to create some space for a relatively rational approach towards such matters.  Let’s just hope Junaid bhai , after getting out of this mess unscathed, re-reforms himself for a second time and becomes the voice of the helpless blasphemy victims of this land of the pure, or is it still too much to ask for?Meanwhile, the most influential and loved PHD scholar of the country has not failed to amuse yet again, He has been found chanting around comparing types of minarets with each other. Apparently he's on sunshine acid. 

More on the relevance of that later.

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A Fatwa from the past!

On December 24th, 1957, The State Bank Of Pakistan issued 100 rupees notes with the photo of the Quaid printed on it for the first time. Apparently the State Bank's decision was a 'threat to Islam' , so the defenders of the one and only true religion had to jump in.

Following is a loose translation of what Jon Elia had to say about it, in his article for Insha Magazine, dated February 1958.

"Since the Pakistani nation has overcome all its problems and by the grace of God we are free from the ills of poverty, unemployment, massive illiteracy, destructive ethnic and geographical disparities and economic & educational atrophy, therefore our well intentioned mullahs are all but compelled to pay heed to more important and pertinent issues.
For instance, most recently , they have taken upon themselves the holy act of condemning , by letter and by spirit, the SBOP's blasphemously preposterous decision to print a picture of the Quaid on the new 100 Rs note. A lot of ruckus is rightfully being raised in this regard. After all this scam of sorts by the SBOP is the only remaining hindrance in the propagation of the Shariah. This is probably the only blot left on the collective conscious of the Ummah, so much so that even the great rulers of Baghdad, Turkey , Spain and Egypt have rolled in their graves in contempt of this act of heresy."

One can only wish these scumbags we call mullahs had the guts to boycott the new notes, but that is just wishful thinking, as they have proved throughout history that they are the most hypocritical species on the face of the earth. Time and again they have rejected technological and social developments on the grounds that they are a 'threat to Islam' and after the passage of time accepted them in fear of being obsolete. Be it the dawn of photography, or the invention of the television, whether it was the invention of the first plane or the advent of the Internet, they have gone on to accept these advancements after initially rejecting them with deafening furor.

Interestingly this phenomenon is not exclusive to Islam, even the Christian orthodoxy was against any and all developments of their time, until history rendered them insignificant. Hopefully our Mullahs will go down the drain sooner rather than later so that we may start competing the world on a level playing field, rather than clamoring on whether we're allowed to drink coffee or not.

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Rendezvous with a comma,

The comma has been an age old friend of mine, and will remain to be so, for the rest of my life unless of course if he betrays me or something. My relationship with the comma, which I must clarify, is a platonic one, dates back to the times when I didn't have to punctuate my life with formalities and manners, I was like 6 or maybe 7 when my grammar teacher, Ms Fatima, told me about this funny little punctuation mark, which can prove useful in desperate situations.
For instance, you start writing a sentence and by the time you reach the end, the sentence becomes void of all meaning whatsoever, here's what you do, you call in all the common sense you posses, read the sentence and sprinkle some commas, there you have it, your predicament should have been solved, if not, you need to start all over again, not the sentence, but your schooling!

Another desperate situation arises when you need to, either habitually or appropriately, start your sentence with certain adverbs (however, nevertheless, therefore etc.), which by the way is a practice disapproved by the traditionalist commentators of the English language, but who cares,  again you would need this little freak of a punctuation mark to set off your sentence into motion, in the right direction.

Then in the course of your, useless, nonsensical, baseless, meaningless, utterly disdainful life, there may come a time when you have to use, the notoriously misused, quotation marks which essentially displays that you are stealing those lines from someone but are bold/shameless enough to accept it, or it may be that you actually want to show some appreciation towards the actual proponent of those lines. In any case ,you would need the support of my age old friend.

Most of the time I've spent on this earth, specifically the time when, I’m not sleeping, eating, whining or doing something constructive for a change, has been spent in counting. It’s true, I've always been planning on becoming a billionaire, and that involves a lot of numbers whatsoever. The comma has been my partner in crime, ever since I crossed the thousand mark, if you know what I mean.

If you didn't commit suicide in your teens, or didn't succeed in doing so for that matter, you should have realized the importance of lists by now. (OK now admit it you must have thought of suicide at least once or twice by now, the fact that you’re reading this crap is evidence enough of the sort of loser you are). From the celebrity famed, grocery list, to the enthusiast’s, things to do list or the pessimistic, things not to do list. From the sucked up friend list, to the overburdening mailing list, or the never ending wish list. you are bound to be overwhelmed by lists once you've crossed that vivid line into adulthood and no list is complete without lots and lots of commas, unless of course if you like to spend a lot of paper and are in the boringly insane habit of making vertical lists.

While growing up I was taught how English has become a universal language and how important it is to learn its usage and I’m sure someone should have told you its importance as well. So basically we are brought up into the complex of having to excel in the English language, those who don’t, suffer from inferiority complex, and those who do, flaunt it as much as they can. And I can tell you this, if you know how to handle your commas, you can pretty much flaunt your way through any trouble, while writing.

All right so, that’s about it, I can think about ways to stretch this post, actually I’m deliberately dropping some uses of the comma, because 600 plus words is probably already too much, even for a loser like you. More so because  as you know by the title of my blog I’m a procrastinator so I can’t spend more time on this, I've got a lot of procrastination to catch up on. Go kill someone or yourself, maybe.

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The Blasphemer is dead!

Well then , now that the 'not so' Islamic Republic of Pervistan and the rest of the Muslim world has made the U.S and the Jews bend on their jerky knees, and one Mr. Basseley of blasphemic fame has been executed by the American authorities, we can take a deep breath, not too deep of course. How else would you explain the lack or absence thereof of protests taking place in the Muslim world at large, and Pervistan in particular.

WT... Don't give me that 'when the **** did that happen' look. Obviously that filth of a person has been  delivered to hell by the CIA, how else would you explain the fact that Richard Olson is still alive? Don't tell me that we don't have the capacity to kill a U.S ambassador, after all if our lesser Libyan brothers can pull it off, we in our absolute faithfulness can definitely do it. (Notwithstanding the fact that the Arabs don't consider us their brothers but that is only out of ignorance and we still consider them part of the brotherhood.)

One can argue that there is no such media report, but why do you forget that the media at large and specifically our pervy media is being heavily funded by the Americans and Jews for their own faithless agendas and they would never wan't to broadcast their shameful defeat at the hands of the brotherhood. The news of the execution of Basseley the blasphemer has only been circulated within a limited audience,  who have the means and capacity to avoid further decapitations, lynchings and kidnappings of American citizens, in order to avoid further humiliation on part of a so called super power.

Moreover all assumptions about the media in downplaying the blasphemy issue by diverting attention towards Malala, have been proven wrong after this report. In actuality the media is trying to downplay the  victory of the brotherhood over the infidels by creating a fuss over a non issue.

Meanwhile, according to another authenticated report, one Mr. Bilour of bounty announcing fame has been seen banging his head against a rusty structure, which was once a railway engine. It was revealed later that he was upset about the news because now he would have to give the $100,000 to a CIA agent and not his Talib nephew, as he had expected. Whereas his nephew has declared this to be another filthy conspiracy!

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Gaining Consciousness!

Come on people why is everyone, at least most of the people I know, so concerned about Malala, a kaafira in all the connotations of the word.

Alhamdullillah! , at least my eyes have opened to the truth after reading the detailed explanation of the warrior of God, Ihsan ullah Ihsan and I believe there will be many others like me. It’s no rocket science, what are the Taliban fighting for? To implement Shariah and from what I've seen the average Pakistani wants the same,( or maybe they don't want it implemented but can't oppose it, you know after all it is The 'Shariah'.) So what? If they have to kill innocent people in the process, after all these so-called innocent people are the ones who don't come out in the open to support the noble cause of the Taliban. When the mujaheddin are at war, every sane Muslim should come out to support them in whatever ways possible, but these ignorant people, they keep on living their lives as if nothing has happened, therefore they need to be reminded that we are at war with the enemies of Islam and they need to support us. (Yes, suicide bombers are the latest and most effective reminders. Smart phone reminders are so old school and ineffective.)

As for Malala, she along with her father had fallen for the Zionist propaganda; in fact she had become a symbol for the ill intended propaganda of the infidels and she needed to be taken care of.

For all those praying for her well-being, we believe Allah almighty will not pay heed to your prayers, but even if you guys force or bribe Him into saving her life, we will kill her, and this time we will not leave it for God to decide her fate, we’ll make sure she is on her way to eternal hell fire. As God himself seems to stray away from his  true path sometimes.

Malala was openly campaigning against the warriors of Allah and any and everyone who attempts to do so will be hell bound like her.

As comrade Ihsan has wisely portrayed in his explanatory note that the attempt on Malala’s life has been clearly sanctioned by the shariah. Pertaining to questions on the age factor, he relates to the incident where Hazrat Khizer killed a child, while travelling with Hazrat Musa, on the assumption/revelation that he would bring a bad name to his parents, who were pious and God-fearing. One cannot but appreciate the sheer wisdom of our comrade in elaborating on such a grave matter in so subtle a way that it will shed away the doubts from the minds of even the most religiously non compliant. It goes without saying that if she proved to be such a threat at this young age, one can only imagine the fitnah she could have created once she was grown up and all. We believe she should have been buried alive by her father the day she was born, had that been the case it wouldn't have come to this, but alas! Not everyone gets direct messages from Allah like our comrades. And while we're at it where on earth is her father, we’d just like a few quick questions and make sure he isn't able to answer any of them. The less faithful among you must be thinking, why doesn't Allah reveal his location to us, it's not that we have a network problem whilst our communion with Allah, but Allah provides his men with chances, every now and then, to prove themselves.

Furthermore our noble comrade has cleared the doubts of some of our skeptical friends who thought that killing a woman was a cowardly act and there is no place of such cowardice in Islam. Here again this blessing of a person, our comrade, has brought our attention to a tradition of the Prophet (P.B.U.H) in which a blind companion of the Prophet killed his wife because she used to use derogatory remarks for the Prophet, and the Prophet sanctioned this act by declaring that there is no blood money for her. (So much for the feminist apologists, "winks".)

After relating these two important and faith refreshing incidents the peace-loving comrade goes on to explain us what he, in his indisputable wisdom, has understood about the sharia. He says, and I quote "It's a clear command of sharia that any female, that by any means play role in war against mujaheddin should be killed". And Malala was clearly spreading false propaganda against the mujaheddin and that too on an international forum which is run by the enemies of Islam. Furthermore she was trying to promote secularism which is a purely Jewish concept and cannot be accepted in any form in an Islamic country. (I was about to commit blasphemy by demanding some source, then it came to me by the grace of God himself, "when a comrade quotes something, you believe it without further ado').

In conclusion, Malala was an agent of the enemies of Islam and targeting her was not only totally justified under the Sharia, but was actually the application of the will of Allah almighty himself. The fact that she is still alive is just another test-cum-chance from the almighty towards the God-fearing Muslims to prove themselves the true champions of the only true religion.

At the end of his note this great warrior of Allah gives all those so-called Muslims who are praying for Malala's well-being a warning, "Gain Consciousness, Otherwise............" What my friend forgot here was that he could use this opportunity to further explain to us the fruits that ‘gaining consciousness’ will bear to us (you know the virgins and all), instead he just focused on the warning part which is probably due to the fact that the fruits will be awarded by the Almighty himself whereas, if we do not pay heed to the warnings, the wrath of Allah will be brought upon us by the very hands of our comrade and his friends. (Would've been awkward if the comrades had to provide the virgins as well.)

Now if someone could please announce a bounty on Malala's head, he could participate in my heaven bound journey!

Long live the Taliban, defenders of the only true faith!

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